Mumbles

Its already the month of February and I haven't even thought about doing a 2011 recap. Gah. Where did all my time go?? I've promised mom to blog a pic a day because she's been wanting to see photos from my recent trip but I've still got to go through the thousand odd pics and post process them. I've been making it a point to do at least 5 a day but that is proving to be impossibru! Anyway, here are some photos from my phone which I suppose should do for the time being hehehe.

Plaza De Toros, Valencia

Post-Spain sushi binge!

Flying High

Ciutat de les Arts i les Ciences

Paella in Barcelona:not such a good idea. Not the best we had. 

Mercado Central

Hans Christian Andersen lovin, Malaga

Sun, sand, sea. Malaga

Pasteis de Belem, home of THE egg tarts.

Plaza Espanya, Madrid

Port Vell, Barcelona

Cruising

Medina Azahara, Granada

Holiday pastime. #addiction. not quite. 

New glasses I HAD to get coz I lost mine somewhere in between Seville and Cordoba.  Didn't really have a choice, this was the only choice the optician had in my power. 

I have sooooo much to say but so lazehhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

BACK

Hello, 

To say its been a long time would be an understatement considering my last post wasn't even in the year 2012. The past two months have been pretty crazy, zooming by quickly and it seems to me that the year ahead is going to proceed in a fairly similar manner. Which I am fine with, because that way I feel as if my time has been well spent. 

For updates, December was fully consumed by topographic anatomy, neuro and ophthal. Barely scathed by if you ask me. Living day to day from topic to topic, ruminating, catching up and the days fleeted by till suddenly it was D-day. Towards the end of the cycle I felt too tired and came so close to the point of breaking. If it weren't for constant reminders from friends who again, led me to believe that this is what I am meant to do, I would probably have thrown in the towel days before the exam day itself. *but then knowing me, kiasu-ness would probably have pushed me a little bit more* Anyway,  neuro was aiiiiiiight.  So pissed I decided to skip ALS the night before thinking that I won't ever get that question. Lucky I just HAD to get it the next day. hahahha. Got lucky for ophthal, and was pretty prepared for topo anatomy so that went well, Alhamdulillah!

 

After all those late nights, and digesting bad coffee *priorities shifted.no time to buy/make proper coffee* a celebration was definitely due! Confirmed last minute arrangements, and soon it was time to pack up for our annual winter getaway, which I promise to write about in the near future. Currently I have the whole house to myself since the roomies are all living it up in Malaysia. :( No company for at least another day since one of them is due to arrive some time tomorrow, I think. 

Anyway, I'm back and blogging! *hopefully can keep this up* 

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

-Dr. Seuss 

Fulfillment

It is a pity to see that all of yesterday's snow has melted completely. Global warming seems determined to deny them Russians a white christmas this year. Oh well, besides the first day of snowfall, its a messy experience that I'm quite glad I'm not getting many of, this year. (Hopefully I didn't speak too soon)

It is 5 in the morning and I'm up alone with my books and distracting thoughts of chijimi and kimchi. It has been a stressful week and surely felt like it has been going on forever. I think its simply the HOURS we have in this cycle. Gah. Out before sunrise and back after sunset. Sure takes the life out of me. In a way, I don't mind it -the fact that time seems to pass by realllly slowly. Simply stretches out the mere 4 weeks I have till finals. I've also adopted a new pattern of sleep. Sleep right after I come home, i.e after maghrib and then wake up somewhat after midnight. Healthy? I don't know. Hehe

Inter-personal matters have been strangely awkward these past few days and I have hopelessly reaching out to old friends in hope of enlightenment. Wasn't quite sure what I was looking for. I was under the perception that it was simply the company I needed. Mainly to distract me from myself. Being alone all the time makes me think. A lot. Intense introspection makes me ashamed of who I am at times.

I keep complaining, blaming the people/situation for the things that happen. About things that make me cry. About things that make me angry. About things that make me go crazy. The problem lies in: me. I only have myself to account for all those emotions. I am always under the impression that everyone is out to judge and criticise me. When the truth is, I myself am the harshest critic. I fear the feeling of not being loved when in fact it is me who doesn't give myself much love in the first place. I get irritated when people do not treat or talk to me with mutual respect when the reality is that I don't respect my own being. When one doesn't have much love for themselves, or to put it in another way, feel like they aren't worth loving, these thoughts put up a wall between you and others. I guess that's why I've been feeling extremely lonely and just... distant.

I can't bear the weight of my own expectations. No one can. Who am I going to prove all this to? All  the affirmation I need is the one from Him. And what have I done to fulfill that?

Update

I've abandoned this blog for far too long. Seems to me like inspiration strikes only when I'm at my lowest.  Which is GOOD in a way I suppose! Just goes to show that I've been considerably happy? Just received our Dermatology credit today, byebye pustules, plaques and nodules. I'm quite ashamed to say that I haven't learnt much from this cycle. Never had interest in derma and probably never will develop any sort of love for it.

On the other hand, Surgery had been a blast. Despite having a tyrant as our lecturer who insisted on handling his class like the military #truestory, it still is a very interesting subject. I might complain at times especially the nights before surgery class about having to study and memorise procedures, but heck that's what med school is about anyway. :)

I have this burning desire to escape reality.

But I don't quite know how. 

Whisked

I don't quite know where to begin. More often than not, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I spend every waking moment beating my brains out, figuring out how to cut myself loose from this vicious cycle. I feel like I've tried every single approach only to find myself back to where I started, if not worse.

What is it?

What is this thing that's putting a squeeze on everything I do?

It exasperates me to think that with every try, the distance between me and this very thing I'm trying to achieve is becoming wider until eventually it consigns itself to oblivion. I'm not talking about medicine our anything in relation to it, don't worry. I know what I aspire to be. Its just the personage behind that very aspiration is the one I'm struggling to connect with.

I have little friends. I used to complain about it. And people denied it. I think I would know more about it than you would. I associate myself with people who really care about me - the kind who will cry for me, the kind who will laugh with me, the kind who will do the 'pontianak dance' with me, the kind whom I know will love me no matter what. Its hard to find that, it really is. And I thank my lucky stars I've found them. Blame circumstances for not letting us be together for more and a few days a year. Pity.

Social situations unnerve me. I hardly let anyone in. I've experienced hurt too much, walls go up in reflex to interaction with people I'm not accustomed to. My eyes grow heavy, your voice crackles in my ear, and I exercise my brain in effort to string together words to come up with a barely coherent reply. I hardly think its nonchalance, but its definitely not the nerves. Often, I jump ahead far... Maybe a bit too far. I sum you up, who you are, what you want and ultimately what you think of me. If the equation adds up to 'he/she isn't the real deal' I'll try my best to appear engaged when all I want to do is look stoic and disappear. I do this quite a lot. More than you think. I want to feel sorry, honest to God I do. But I just don't. What I've learned after being thrown into the real world is that I shouldn't give even as much as thought to people who do not matter.  Time to take off the rose-coloured glasses and see things as they are and treat them as they are.

Someone once told me that she didn't quite know what the secret to success is but she knew for a fact that the secret to failure is trying to please everyone. You'll never make it across the meadow without trampling over a few daisies. True. Spread yourself thin and you'll only end up lost.

Sounds just about right doesn't it?

Then why do I find myself still in between two worlds? One foot in each. Neither wanting to be there.

Absence

28/09 - 01/10

I'll be welcoming October on a sleeper train. :) Don't miss me while I'm gone.

Impulsive has never been an attribute of mine. I'd much rather make calculated moves rather than just 'winging it'. 

Well, this is me 'winging it'. I feel like I owe it to my youth. 

I owe it to You.

This post is probably weeks overdue and from what you might have gathered, I haven't been SUPER busy or swamped recently. Procrastination has become second nature to me and right now I have no reasonable excuses at hand to justify my laziness. So with sincere apologies:

This time around, celebrating Aidilfitri meant a great deal more to me considering the last time I had spent it at home with my family was probably about three years ago. For the past three years, the morning of raya meant having cereal with cold milk and probably squeezing in an episode of How I Met Your Mother or two before heading out the door to class. Lucky if it fell on a weekend because that just means that we get to go to the Malaysian Embassy for some raya noms and photo-taking for keepsakes.

This year however, God gave me the chance to revisit childhood memories. Memories which I was sure was fading quickly into nullity. Albeit we didn't prep for raya like how we normally would (baju raya, kasut raya etc), I think that it's more fitting this way since that isn't what raya is about anyway.

Anyhow, we had the chance to head back to Taiping. My kampung for as long as I can remember. I still vaguely recall running around shoeless playing masak-masak with my cousins and also stealing rides on my late atok's ancient ginormous bicycle. Simply being there was enough to jog my memory. To relive it again, would be too much to ask. In hindsight, I did plenty of things as a child I would later in the future FORBID my kids to do. Made me realise that losing ones child-like innocence could potentially be the biggest thing one can ever lose. I'd do anything for the opportunity to be able to look at things unbiasedly and unreservedly the way I used to. Of course, I'd like that to only remain an option. The world as we know it today has no empathy for altruism and magnanimity. Pity.

I took on a different role this time. I was no longer the sweaty, greasy kid who played with dirt, climbed fences and ran through bushes. That has left us a long time ago. Instead, I was up to my ears with ketupat, rendang and babies. Babies? Yeah there has been a great influx of toddlers and babies in this household. Which is great because who can deny a pair of goggly eyes! Also, seeing my opah hustling and speeding away getting the house ready for raya was a pleasant sight. Didn't seem like age was catching up with her at all. Was glad to be able to lend a pair of hands in prep work. After 2 days with her, I might actually have a career in professional ketupat weaving! The experience further cemented the fact that I cannot simply opt to quit being a grown up.

Family. I can go on and on when it comes to talking about family. But I am eternally blessed and forever grateful for the family I have. Blood is always thicker than water and with all the hits and misses I've had when it comes to friendships, it amazes me how family will ALWAYS be there for you regardless.

Right, I should probably pretty up this post with a few pictures before I reduce you to a snooze :)

Wan Cho's mee kari!

Psycho.

Mommy and Daddy :)

Opah!

That pretty much sums it up briefly :) I thank God everyday for all the blessings He has given me and I fear that it will never ever come close to enough. Loads more to tell and loads more to share.

Let's hope I can get some sleep before our adventure tomorrow!

Poof

The plan is:

To simply pack up and go. 

Two Weeks

With the excitement of the new semester, time seemed to simply by and voila we are at the end of the first cycle. The next cycle isn't going to be a heavy one so we have been simply cruising, taking each class with renewed interest without the pressure to sit for an exam right away. I may say so but at the end of each obs class we heave a hugeeeee sigh of relief coz the teacher manage to keep you on your toes the entire time. ANYWAY, because of all that I've only come to realise today that I am just two weeks shy of turning 21 :) 

I haven't really been a big birthday person and I think that my parents are more excited about it than I am. It's just another day for me to feel bad about myself because I'm halfway to 42 :'( I wasn't on the '17 things before 17' or '18 things I did when I was 18' bandwagon because its just a bit overdone I reckon. But this year, I don't know... I really feel like doing something significant but not to the point I might just become hypocritical. Yeeeehooooo :) We shall wait and see!

Crybabies

Surgeons of tomorrow! 

Haha, this was when we had our Obs practical class. Wrong day to go to class with an empty stomach. Our patient was in labour for soooooooo long I was about to pass out from the wait. 

What I've concluded from this cycle is that Obs/Gynae really isn't my thing. The birth itself was pretty miraculous, praise to God it was! Albeit with slight complications which required pure Russian brute to  resolve, both mom and baby were safe :) But in all honesty, I was more excited about the bouncing baby with Angelina Jolie lips and I was disinterested in the mother. Sounds terrible but from an objective point of view, one could understand right?

Whadda?

The past few weeks have been hard for me to summarise but for some unknown reason, I feel happy for most of it. Do I owe it to the fact that I have no exam to sit for this cycle or is it because I seem to have everything under control? I highly doubt the latter because scatterbrains such as myself don't see trouble until we're in too deep. For all I know, I am in search of something more. 

Typical women. Always looking for mischief. ;) NO DOUBT I DO ENJOY BEING HAPPY BUT what have I done to deserve all this? There must be a catch. Somewhere somehow. 

September

It has been raining for more than 24 hours straight. Non-stop. It's cold. It's gloomy and it's cuddle weather.   There's nothing more that I want than to simply crawl under the plush covers with a book other than Obstetrics by Ten Teachers. Alas, right now I can only dream of such luxury.

In a strange way, I'm glad that I'm starting fourth year with a relatively 'relaxing' cycle: Obstetrics, Ophthalmology and Radiology. They are all definitely interesting and without the pressure of having to prep for exams in 4 weeks its a great way for me to progress at my own pace. However, I've come to realise (by the hard way) that it's not as easy as people claim it to be. The hospital that we've been assigned to conducts its classes 100% in russian language. It's not as if we haven't had subjects in russian but NOT ANOTHER ONE!? Give us a break. As if learning the subject isn't taxing enough. To learn it in another language is simply...Hmm.

So this month is going to be all about pregnant ladies. Which I love! Before I started on this journey, I decided that I was suited for more 'masculine' disciplines i.e cardio/surgery. But as I began to expose myself to different fields of medicine, I have felt a strange attraction to Paeds/Obs. Which I hate. Not the subjects but the idea of liking such a 'feminine' speciality. But right now I need to go into it with an unbiased disposition and see what happens. Disclaimer: these are merely my thoughts for myself. I definitely DO NOT think less of pediatricians/obstetricians.

After a week of classes, I'm also happy to have settled into the mind-numbing, rhythmic routine. Happy? Yeah, somewhat ;) Most might think that the regimentation of daily routine is like a prison and we do our best to escape. You just have to accept the fact that routine is both a saving activity and a tyrant.

Under my circumstances, spontaneity is difficult to achieve. I can't simply grab my keys, get in the car and drive off. Besides that, we have a complete set of activities lined up from day to day before we even think of doing anything else. That's why for me, things like making the bed, rearranging my books etc can be difficult to abandon when I am programmed with a self-imposed routine. It's not OCD. Its simply habitus. That just explains why a simple trip to the shopping mall or getting dressed to leave the house can bring about a childish sense of freedom. Routines are inevitable but we must also be able to put them in their place and see them for what they are. They're useful but they are only there for assistance. Never let them rule your life. :) 

"Periodically, something slipped. Some everyday principle of continuity, the humdrum element that told him where he was in his own story, faded from his use, abandoning him to a waking dream in which there were thoughts, but no sense of who was having them. No responsibility, no memory of the hours before, no idea of what he was about, where he was going, what his plan was. And no curiosity about these matters."

I go to seek a great perhaps. 

Colours

Disclaimer: 98% of photos were taken from inside a moving car with tinted windows and the roads were uneven and such so pardon the lack of sharpness blerghhhh. I tried. :) 

India's appeal really lies in its people. Friendly, polite, hardworking yet completely foreign. India's traffic however, is a completely different experience. They have an uncanny ability to duck and weave through traffic and are able to convert a 2-lane road into a 4-lane road. One reserved for cows. Cars, motorcycles, trucks, buses, auto-rickshaws, pedal rickshaws, cows, goats, pedestrians... Seriously, anything goes. Wouldn't be surprised to see an aircraft roll up next to our car.

If you think that the brakes must be overworked form all the traffic-dodging, you are probably right. But the horns are equally overused. I also don't think they believe in using indicator lights. The culture is, without a horn, you are pretty much crippled on the road. Honestly, I salute the hyper reflexes and hyper agility of indian drivers.

Despite the increased risk, motorists seem to not worry that much about safety. Few motorcyclists have safety helmets on, few drivers wear seat belts. The lax in traffic control seem to be the very cause of this. The cure for this seems pretty far-fetched with the level of corruption present today. Best to leave it to their goddess of traffic to watch over them :)

Bite me.

What else do I have to do to be taken seriously?
When someone asks for help, I try to be helpful and offer my suggestions and opinions without any ulterior motives or whatsoever. The least you can do is acknowledge it, I'm not asking you to follow it or listen to it but at least say thank you and you will consider it. I've said this countless times before, I have no tolerance for people without common courtesy. I'm not even that close to these particular people so its not 'okay' for you not to be courteous just because we've become too comfortable with each other or whatever la.

I hope I'm not jut being bitter. But I think others might feel the same way!

Fooooooood

With a large portion of the population being Hindus, its no surprise that the bulk of the food we had on the trip was vegetarian food. According to the locals, some do eat meat and are vegetarians only on certain days.
The first meal we had in Chennai was of course, home cooked indian chicken briyani. Mrs Usha's mother made various accompaniments mainly tandoori chicken, grilled fish, eggs in an EXTREMELY SPICY gravy, and also the best cucumber raita I've ever tasted. No photos though because we arrived pretty late in the evening and all I could think of was sleep. Boohooo :(

What I've learned is that Indians take their food seriously! Cooking is considered and art and mealtimes are often regarded as occasions for families to get together. Apparently if you are seen in a restaurant, people will assume that you are a 'bad wife' who doesn't know how to cook for her family. Lol. There are a lot of misconceptions about Indian food. Usually, fattening, oily, spicy, rich, hot and difficult to cook. Well, I know little about the cooking part but what I know is that only a small amount are bad for you i.e indian sweets. Grains and legumes are the basic ingredients in a host of dishes with only slight changes to create a wide variation of dishes.

Clockwise from top: Vaday soaked in some gravy, briyani, sambar (now I know what its supposed to taste like), rice curd, gulab jamun, vegetables, dhal gravy, and spicy tapioca chips. All the dishes above are supposed to be eaten with rice, but we decided to skip it. 

The infamous Masala Tea. Masala infused tea with milk. 

Palate cleanser of some sort.  Slightly minty/herby with a sugar coating.

Fluffy fluffy vaday! Loves.

Deep fried vegetable

Don't know what this is. Rasgulla maybe? like flour balls in thick syrup with pistachios. VERY VERY SWEET. I prefer the Gulab Jamun (deep fried milk balls in sugar syrup). It was at just the right level of sweetness. 

Okies dokes, thats all for today's post :)