Friday, December 16, 2011


It is a pity to see that all of yesterday's snow has melted completely. Global warming seems determined to deny them Russians a white christmas this year. Oh well, besides the first day of snowfall, its a messy experience that I'm quite glad I'm not getting many of, this year. (Hopefully I didn't speak too soon)

It is 5 in the morning and I'm up alone with my books and distracting thoughts of chijimi and kimchi. It has been a stressful week and surely felt like it has been going on forever. I think its simply the HOURS we have in this cycle. Gah. Out before sunrise and back after sunset. Sure takes the life out of me. In a way, I don't mind it -the fact that time seems to pass by realllly slowly. Simply stretches out the mere 4 weeks I have till finals. I've also adopted a new pattern of sleep. Sleep right after I come home, i.e after maghrib and then wake up somewhat after midnight. Healthy? I don't know. Hehe

Inter-personal matters have been strangely awkward these past few days and I have hopelessly reaching out to old friends in hope of enlightenment. Wasn't quite sure what I was looking for. I was under the perception that it was simply the company I needed. Mainly to distract me from myself. Being alone all the time makes me think. A lot. Intense introspection makes me ashamed of who I am at times.

I keep complaining, blaming the people/situation for the things that happen. About things that make me cry. About things that make me angry. About things that make me go crazy. The problem lies in: me. I only have myself to account for all those emotions. I am always under the impression that everyone is out to judge and criticise me. When the truth is, I myself am the harshest critic. I fear the feeling of not being loved when in fact it is me who doesn't give myself much love in the first place. I get irritated when people do not treat or talk to me with mutual respect when the reality is that I don't respect my own being. When one doesn't have much love for themselves, or to put it in another way, feel like they aren't worth loving, these thoughts put up a wall between you and others. I guess that's why I've been feeling extremely lonely and just... distant.

I can't bear the weight of my own expectations. No one can. Who am I going to prove all this to? All  the affirmation I need is the one from Him. And what have I done to fulfill that?

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