Monday, October 3, 2011


I don't quite know where to begin. More often than not, I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I spend every waking moment beating my brains out, figuring out how to cut myself loose from this vicious cycle. I feel like I've tried every single approach only to find myself back to where I started, if not worse.

What is it?

What is this thing that's putting a squeeze on everything I do?

It exasperates me to think that with every try, the distance between me and this very thing I'm trying to achieve is becoming wider until eventually it consigns itself to oblivion. I'm not talking about medicine our anything in relation to it, don't worry. I know what I aspire to be. Its just the personage behind that very aspiration is the one I'm struggling to connect with.

I have little friends. I used to complain about it. And people denied it. I think I would know more about it than you would. I associate myself with people who really care about me - the kind who will cry for me, the kind who will laugh with me, the kind who will do the 'pontianak dance' with me, the kind whom I know will love me no matter what. Its hard to find that, it really is. And I thank my lucky stars I've found them. Blame circumstances for not letting us be together for more and a few days a year. Pity.

Social situations unnerve me. I hardly let anyone in. I've experienced hurt too much, walls go up in reflex to interaction with people I'm not accustomed to. My eyes grow heavy, your voice crackles in my ear, and I exercise my brain in effort to string together words to come up with a barely coherent reply. I hardly think its nonchalance, but its definitely not the nerves. Often, I jump ahead far... Maybe a bit too far. I sum you up, who you are, what you want and ultimately what you think of me. If the equation adds up to 'he/she isn't the real deal' I'll try my best to appear engaged when all I want to do is look stoic and disappear. I do this quite a lot. More than you think. I want to feel sorry, honest to God I do. But I just don't. What I've learned after being thrown into the real world is that I shouldn't give even as much as thought to people who do not matter.  Time to take off the rose-coloured glasses and see things as they are and treat them as they are.

Someone once told me that she didn't quite know what the secret to success is but she knew for a fact that the secret to failure is trying to please everyone. You'll never make it across the meadow without trampling over a few daisies. True. Spread yourself thin and you'll only end up lost.

Sounds just about right doesn't it?

Then why do I find myself still in between two worlds? One foot in each. Neither wanting to be there.

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