Friday, January 15, 2010

Are You Ready?

Oh dear blog,

In the recent days, life has presented me with many many many questions to which I have not the slightest clue on how to even begin answering them. I mean, how is one supposed to just 'know'? What is love? Do I have love in my life? How can I trust my life? How can I trust trust itself and love enough to feel that my life is okay and on track and that I'm in the right place at the right time? How can I learn what I must learn right now from it all, trusting that it is all right for me to learn right now?

I trust that even now, it takes trust to answer these questions. Trust me.

I believe that my shallow understanding is partly caused by closed conscience. I am always anxiously waiting for life to happen, anticipating something bigger, better, more exciting and more challenging. I wait for life but more often than not, I rarely go out to actually meet life and a certain part of me believes that the answers to the questions above are to be found in life only by embracing life itself.

But the problem is that even in my short years, I have repeatedly had my trust mishandled by those who I presumed were capable of holding that responsibility. Sad, I know. Three years after high school, my thoughts have been tarnished by DISGUSTING people.

I find it impossible to tell who you can trust and who will turn against you, impossible to tell if something is too good to be true or are they mere illusions created by lusty eyes? Are the feelings real or fake, who can you count on to lend a helping hand?

I have always trusted people to easily. Trust me, after 2 hours with me, you can very well be my best friend! The real challenge is.................. *drumroll, salmonskinroll, californiaroll* trusting thyself.

I definitely am missing something here. A part of the puzzle that just completes the picture because right now, I don't even see the smaller picture. The human mind is way too inferior and feeble to feel and understand how things work.

Is it love?

Is it happiness?

Is it trust?

Is it faith?

I have to reason that trust and faith are fairly similar. On the most fundamental level, it is accepting what you can't fully comprehend right now. Isn't it strange how it almost ALWAYS goes back to God. I dishonorably admit that it is difficult to see asll of Him, all at once. But this is where trust steps in. God is everything and everywhere and I have failed to embrace the fact that He isolates parts of Himself for me to experience differing aspects of His working and of His love.

Before I conclude, no piece of writing is complete without a horrible cliche right? I shall end it with "I am my worst enemy". Really nothing in life is as simple as we would like it to be.

What aches me is that trust is an emotion and we let our emotions run away with us.

Alright thats enough chit chat for today. I need milo and sleep.

Till next time!

p.s. Oh please do leave me a message, that will make me very happy :)


Diyana Shah said...

i like this, and im gonna leave a message now. are you happy? hehe :)

Evana said...

i am! yay! thanks :)

Julian said...

Evana cheer up!! although i dont really understand what u wrote but I miss the happy evana. faster faster come bak!!!=)

aya said...

rien i luv u :)

Anonymous said...

This post has inspired me in many ways. Kudos Evana, you're amazing.

Evana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Evana said...

@aya: whee

@anonymous: i'm glad, thank you. care to leave a name? :)

izzati_azmin said...