Okay, i unpublished this post because of a couple reasons. But now I'm putting it back up. Enjoy.
I would like to tell you that sometimes, the most profound heartbreaks occur in secret, with not a single soul in sight to witness it. Sometime the people you think are the most satisfied and happy are actually the ones that have the most to cry about, but you would never presume so because they are so good at hiding it. In some rare occurrences, I find myself in this place - slapping a smile on my face, I gather myself so beautifully with careful laughter and planted breaths. I'm a very good pretender (I'd like to think so!).
As you make your way home from wherever you are, you catch your breath. You clench your fist. Push back the tears. Oh don't you worry, they'll come. Later in solitude - they'll come. But for now, all you can do.. is pretend.
I may fool some but the one person I definitely did not succeed deceiving is myself. Oh how I wish I could because that will simplify things by several degrees. However, I find myself hoping. Hoping that someone will see right through it all, and let me drop this tiring charade for even just a moment.
But the one you wish would notice, doesn't seem to care...
Now please don't think that crying is what I do all the time or that I'm this overly depressed person. I really am not; friends will say that I am a crazy, fun person who is happy all the time. And for that very reason is why I think I feel pain so sharply, as if to make up for all the happiness in me.
Then there's Hope.
It polarizes a person, it really does. Either makes you do stupid or great things. In a way, it does give me a sense of belonging, mobilizing me to study, to love and to care. I need that, after being sidelined and marginalized by an unforgiving society. Boo you.
I guess it pushes me to see the answers to all my questions.
The famous poet Oscar Wilde said that “We are all in a gutter, some of us are looking at the stars.” I remember my predicament and those who are not far along. I can dare hope because I know that in my life, I have given some of it to those who need it. And it turned out to be rewarding. The feeling is ultimately gratifying and it puts me on top of the world.
Hope is real. I hope we all find it in some point of our lives.