Curveball

Wrath, is not one of the most prevalent sin I own. Gluttony or greed is more my thing. However, it disturbs me to realise that anger has found me often these days. So much so, it has claimed me. Every thing I do or say lately has been laced with the bitter sting of hate.

Currently it shames me to say that I feel trapped, forced, disrespected, offended and afraid. I feel all of these things right now; I'm an angry girl it seems. Gluttony seems pleasant right now. This anger thing isn't as much fun.

I can't help it - it is more of a protective reflex against hurt rather than an entity by itself. I'm well aware of the fact that nothing good can come out of anger. I keep it all inside, suppressed until the day it finally rages, and let it all out. Sometimes at the wrong people, sometimes for all the wrong reasons. We are all liable for our own thoughts and actions, including emotions. For anger is something that can be sustained or swallowed, but when one can't, it comes out in dark, ugly colours. It isn't a pretty sight. It clouds my judgement and makes me do destructive things: it destroys moments, destroys memories and even destroys relationships with people whom I care so much for.

So much energy consumed feeding this anger. So much energy wasted. But the feeling after I get over the "I need to punch his/her face NAO NAO NAO" phase makes up for everything. Anger can only be sept under the rug for so long until there is no more space left under the rug to hide it. Now that I have to nowhere else to put it, I have no other option other than to wear it well whilst hoping it will eventually leave me.

After all, life awaits me.

In the event that anger persists and refuses to leave, this girl might just have to learn how to throw a good solid punch :)

Dear friends,

Its been a while since I've updated partly due to the state of my academic life atm and partly because I don't actually have internet -.- So most of the time, I'm really relying on my useless EDGE connection from my phone. Apparently the place where I stay is too ulu for 3G.

Okay, so the month of February has passed and as I look back in retrospection, I can't actually remember the things I did because everything seem to have gone by in a flurry I didn't actually have the time to sit down and think back about the things around me.

Some events, however, did take place. I did things I never thought I would and I was proud of myself for taking the leap of faith. I did what was right. Its true what they say that when it comes to something difficult, just simply do it. There's no point waiting around, hustling and struggling when the outcome still remains the same. What is this thing that I did? Lol. No point telling because its all redundant now since I just undid everything. -.- Sometimes I think that I have bipolar disorder seriously. I cant decided if I'm actually happy or sad or angry, it just happens. And when it does, I have no control over them and the wrong things just come out of my mouth.

Speaking of which, this is a problem. Sometimes I feel as if, my speech precedes my thought process which will result in = my mouth blurting out inappropriate things at the most ill-suited times. This might seem trivial but it has put me in places I never thought I would be. The awkwardness after. The looks, the judgmental thoughts etc. Actually, now I think that I'm not quite ready to talk about it.

Sorry.

Can this road be taken?

Is this road the only way?

More often than not, we find ourselves bound by choices. Though it may seem as if there are plenty of decisions to make, the truth doesn't go as far. We talk, we listen, we tell about our inner fears. Some are trapped in situations they can't stand. Others, hopelessly lament about their lives which have not gone according to plan. Everyday I pray so I do not suffer the same fate. Little did I know, I was actually in a wicked little game life decided to play on me.

I wake up and sleep to the same spread of problems every single day. The difference is that now, I stop there. No tears. No worries. A problem is a problem only if there is a legit solution to it. If the end to the problem looks bleak or non existent, may its time to wake up.

If you still decide to plough through incessantly for that slight glimmer of happiness, the weight of it all will still pinch you in the end. Many spiritualities advocate pure happiness through the cessation of resistance and desire, consenting to the nature of the world and our place within it. However, accepting things the way that they are does not mean that you necessarily like or approve of them; these two should not be confused with acceptance. It takes a lot to stop resisting things you hate or making peace with the things you loathe.


So you still think its unfair to feel hurt and suffer loss?

Let it all go, and find peace through acceptance.

Six Blocks

When angered, hold back. Stand up against the urge to say things for the sole purpose of causing hurt and inflicting pain. Because once spoken, words hang in the air forever. They never disappear and they can never be taken back.

If there were a way to gauge my remorse in the gallons of anguish that pummel me, it would fill up four ponds, five lakes and a sea.

Forgive me.

Stress is in the eye of the beholder

Sometimes moments appear where I wish I could remember what it was like being 2 years old. To feel again what it was like when following your own agenda was the only option. When saying 'no' was actually okay. And when I actually did the things I wanted to do. When did all of that go away?! When did studies, responsibilities and everything else replace 'me' on the top of my list of priorities?

Often on my lonesome journeys to class and lectures there is always this overwhelming cry of 'shut up, shut up. shut up. stop. stop' Many times I almost fell prey these thoughts but somehow I've managed to pull through again and again. It seems like this year, everyone is on edge and our nerves are raw on end. It just seems like there are a million and one things to do and just a whole lot of people to please. Everyday, we ride the waves one by one (sometimes two at a go!) whether we ready or not. Some of us make it, some trip, some just.. go under.

Sometimes I would like to tell HIM, the silent one, the one who watches over us, please Sir can you just stop this tumble-dryer and get me out so I can catch my breath and relax for just a moment? The sanctuary of life has become nothing more than a zoo for the most of us. These struggles do not end here but will still remain prominent in our lives regardless of everything. Life is definitely on fast-forward and luckily I still have the sanity to hold back, reach out and hit 'pause' simply because time is going by too fast. Thankful I am for still having some remote part of me to tell myself to put my feet up once in a while when most have forgotten what it feels like to just.. relax.


Today just happens to be one of those not-so-typical days where I am able to just drop everything related to medicine and just plop myself on the bed with my laptop on my belly without worry, for a multitude of reasons. The reasons might have been simply employed to justify my laziness and disinclination to any form of activity but I think I'm going to get off my back on this one. :)

This is to a night full of nonsense talk and I shall now retire to my 'purple island' to remind myself that life is not completely devoid of choices. :)

Oh, and also not forgetting cold spoons and tea bags to nurse my angry eye-bags.

Insert appropriate title, please

Unadulterated sleep, shameless overindulgence, and irresponsible decisions may just aptly summarise my activities for the last couple of weeks. I can hope for it to never end, but alas, the time has come for me to pull out and dust my embarrassing pink suitcase. (According to daddy, its embarrassing. But I just happen to think that its awesome)

This summer has been one of mixed feelings. It would be dishonest of me if I were to use the words 'awesome', 'fun', or 'the best ever' and associate them with my holidays because there were times when I felt like I was in a place entirely foreign. I shouldn't pretend that this is something very new to me. And I'm not going to. 

In that place, words did not matter. Things did not matter. People did not matter. At one point, even food and water did not matter. I simply felt like a mass of cells living my days before the other. Days went by and I soon grew to be disappointed in my futility and inapparent fortitude. My don't-care attitude started to affect those around me and it disheartens me that the backwash from my attempts to defend myself against hurt and disappointment was actually hurt and disappointment itself. 

Physical and emotional ailments came as I was difficultly trying to bounce back from this episode. Its like sinking into quicksand. You don't really see it coming. In seconds, you find yourself fighting to stay above land with nothing to support you and nothing to hold on to. The more one fights, the more one sinks and there's really no way you can think of a clear solution as to how to get yourself out of this mess. Sometimes, the one thing that elude you is the one thing that you really need. This was definitely a chapter of my life which I would be more than happy to erase but there really is no point to it, is there? To pretend that something did not happen when it really did. I truly admire people who are capable of 'selective amnesia', really, I am!

People I surround myself with may not realise the change in me. Human interaction keeps me grounded. Conversations and activities limit my thoughts, in a good way. It is when I am alone and idle (which I get a lot of), that is when I begin to fear myself. Those are the kind of times I am most afraid of because I have no restraint on my thoughts hence I often find my mind in extremely strange places I have absolutely no intentions of revisiting. Nights often witness me lying down on my bed, with a pillow on my face trying arduously to stop myself from polluting my thoughts with self-inflicted dread and misery.

This is truly the classic case of Me vs Myself.   

A couple of weeks has gone by and it gladdens me to realise that I am no way as far in as I was before though fragments of me are still begging to be left behind. I've come to realise that what becomes of me is out of my hands. I can fight, yes. But only to a certain extent. 

I admit that its a bit bold of me to profess like such on a very public forum but I believe that shielding my life and painting a perfect picture of it will only be disadvantageous to the most of us. But then, I'm not saying that I'm crazy or anything, okay?? Haha :)

I'm glad that there has been legible and plenty of pictorial evidence that my colleagues are happily enjoying their summer holidays :)  

In a few days, no longer will I be blissfully enveloped in the familiar humid afternoons and also the sound of the paper lama man with his lorry honking through the neighborhood. Roti tissue, nasi lemak, and nasi kandar will soon no longer be a mere 5 minutes drive away. No McDelivery to rely on to satisfy my 2 a.m. hunger pangs.  It also saddens me to bid my midnight escapades farewell and trade them in for late night dates with the textbooks.

Time to get my local food rations and pack. Withdrawal syndrome kicking in. BEWARE!!

:)

Sobs

As if with THIS, I am able to attain a peace of mind.

Click here if you think you have been nice enough to me:)

Mail me for the password.

Hint: good scout