To be honest, I haven't been myself the past few weeks. I probably owe this to a couple of things, i.e the environment I'm living in and the people I'm surrounded by but primarily I think its just me. I wish for nothing more than to be able to define it and rid myself of it but alas, my efforts so far only manage to extend to yet another blunt end.
After 9 months of 'arduous labour' (for most of you maybe), we have yet again reached the final stretch. I think that the time has come for me to take myself off autopilot and start working to accomplish what I came here to do. Honestly speaking, it has been weeks since I studied. 7 weeks to be precise. (up to you la if you want to believe me, but why would i lie? -.-)
Truth be told, I have been mulling over a few things and I've been meaning to write about it for the longest time. Conscience keeps telling me that I shouldn't but I fear that keeping it in will just bring about more detrimental effects to me. So why not?
You see, my run in Cempaka has been one filled with excitement and dynamism. Every accomplishment, every experience and every event has been nothing but constructive, encouraging and gratifying. Its what I have been taught with and I plan to take it with me far into my life.
The academic experience here on the other hand, came to me as a shock. I try to adapt day by day but it saddens me that it took me 2 whole years to realise that I simply cannot. Its like trying to coalesce oil and water.
1. The environment is so negative.
2. People use the heads and shoulders of others as rungs to climb ahead.
3. People suck up to teachers like nobody's business to put themselves in the teacher's good books.
4. People get on the teacher's good side only to get good marks.
5. They STUDY. They do not LEARN.
6. People find it smart to repeat the teacher's every word. And also finish the teacher's sentences. Hello, that doesn't make you smart. It only means that you are a very good repeater. And you have exemplary listening skills. I shall give you credit for that.
7. People only think for themselves. Ohmygoodness you should see this for yourselves. At first its obnoxious, then it gets entertaining. Ha. Ha.
8. Kiasu-ness is apparent in a totally different form.
9. Teacher asks a question. Someone stands up to answer. Teacher agrees with answer. Then this someone turns around and pats his/her own back.
10. Teacher asks a question. Someone answers. Teacher agrees with answer. Then someone else from the class will give an ugly face and spit out a distasteful comment.
11. Teacher asks a question. Someone answers. Teacher agrees with answer. Then most of the class will sarcastically applaud that someone.
12. People just have absolutely no classroom etiquette.
13. People joke about things which should not be taken lightly.
14. People turn ugly when the stakes are high.
I'm not saying I'm completely devoid of the aforementioned. Might have latched onto me after being in the situation for so long. Don't worry, I actually do try stop myself from doing all these things.
We weren't cut from the same cloth, I give you that. I tried, really. This semester I simply quit trying. And it has affected me in a way only my credit book will be able to fairly judge. I've lost all inspiration and motivation. Hrmph.
I probably will come off to you as judgmental, irritating and bitter with this post but I don't care. Think what you want to think lah ha okay? This whole thing merely reflects back onto me, I get it. And there's only me to blame for being oversensitive to all of these things. I. get. it.
I just don't know how to get rid of it.
Right now, I know that I am not supposed to put the blame anything else but myself and I believe that God has plans for me that I have yet to be aware of.
But its difficult. :(
EDIT: also hate it when someone asks a question, you answer and that someone refuses to take you explanation/ignores you then someone else answers the same damn thing and that someone agrees wholeheartedly. omgoodnessgracious. DAMN annoying. Condescending much?