Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hot Air Baloons.

Every morning, I wake up 2 hours before the sun. In the light of the indigo, my soul leaves the company of God and his angels, creeping back into my body. And it chooses to remain there for the next 17 hours of the day. I ought to be thankful.

I begin the day in the same manner I did the day before. And the day before that. And also the day before that. You get what I mean. I wake up, shower, pray, have breakfast, make my bed, watch an episode of Big Bang Theory, look at watch, realise that I'm running late, pack my bags, jump into my jacket and sneakers, forget my scarf, forget my metro pass, run out the door, wait for the lift and exit the building into the chilly chilly wintry morning.

Accompanied by the modulation of my breathing - variable and heavy, I begin my 3 minute walk to the metro station. Fog curls out from the corners of my lips, enveloping my face as my legs propel me forwards. Sometimes, I feel as if my feet are carrying me as fast as they can but when I look over to my side, an elderly lady who looks as if she had the opportunity to experience the 19th century walks past me at twice the speed. Hello? I am 19. I am supposed to be able to seem like The Flash as compared to you.

The metro is a strange strange place. Who knew that subterranean concrete and stone could make one feel so so tiny. Being the idealist that I'd like to think I am, I thought that everything I did carried some sliver of significance in any possible way. But this morning, as I was losing myself in my own introspection, a gap appeared in the bubble that I have been comfortably floating in.

And now I fear, that the gap could potentially widen. The journey is agonising, as gravity shows its prowess, pulling me dexterously towards Earth. I fear that as I descend, the wind picks up bits and pieces of what I call self-belief, or confidence and leaves me with little for me to live with.

I love everyone significant to me and I love God. But somewhere along the way, I have forgotten how to love myself. Really. I, myself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve my own love and affection. I have this unhealthy habit of measuring myself against others, coming down hard on myself and feeling bad about it later on. I can safely say that currently I am unfortunately plagued by inferiority complex. -.-

Help me get rid of it.

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