After 19 years, now only have I started to search for the right words, fitting enough for me to label and define myself with. Where do I start looking? More often than not, people assume themselves to be something that they are not. We live with the IDEA of who we are and not what we really are.
Have I been doing the same?
I hope not, but I know that I placed one toe over the border one too many times. Betimes, when people describe me the way I hoped they didn't, I tend to disagree.
God has been altruistic, endowing me with opportunities and chances most can only dream of and I thank Him for that. Behind them lie bigger gifts that are far more inestimable. Previously, I lived a very sheltered and protected life. I was unaware of this, of course. For 17 years of my living, my naiveté persuaded me to believe that I have seen and heard it all. The liberation that descended along with the SPM certificate and the decision to take up the scholarship to Russia has dented the fascade of my life. Initially. Guided by an infantile intellect, perceving that the world was against me, yadayadayada, I dipped to a level of mediocrity. Stuck I was, on the rung where purposefulness and drive retired me.
I peeled my eyes and inferred that to exist is to change, to change is to mature, and to mature is to go on creating myself endlessly. Once, I was convinced that the change of environment was the culprit behind the shift in persona and sentiment. Wrong I was, to place the blame on the people that I opted to surround myself with. It's me and my Jimny Cricket. It's just the two of us.
The girl you see in high school and the girl you see in the lecture hall are two completely different people and I am starting not to miss the person I was before. Have I changed for the better? In some ways, yes. In some ways, hell no! BUT then again, who are you to judge? Heck, who am I to judge? (what?!) Only God is worthy enough to possess that right, I suppose.
Who am I now? I daresay that I am less tolerant, less giggly, less 'high', less judgmental and more accepting. The independance plays a part in this, I guess.
I have come to gather that art, science and religion branch from the same tree(a la Albert Einstein). All these aspirations are directed towards ennobling my life, lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence and leading me towards freedom.
I may sound as if I can fully comprehend everything that has happened and become of me, but infact, I barely scratched the surface.
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then only am I able to change.